You're Not Easy To Love - Adam/Tommy, 1/2

Title: You're Not Easy To Love, Part one
Author: moodwriter
Genre: angst, romance, established relationship
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 1400 words
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: language
Summary: Personalities, they clash.
Disclaimer: I love these boys. I love playing with them. Their real lives are completely theirs, and this has nothing to do with those. I borrow them, that's all.
Prompt: No specific story in mind but ever since Adam tweeted about 'Complicated' by Rihanna, I thought it could be the basis of a good Adam/Tommy fic :) So something really angsty from Adam's POV perhaps... This is tv_fan_2008's prompt. She also has another idea and that's going to be the next part of this story.

You're Not Easy To Love, Part One

Sometimes I catch you
Sometimes you get away
Sometimes I read you
Other times I'm like where are you on the page?
Sometimes I feel like we will be together forever
But you're so complicated
My heart knows better

Why is everything with you so complicated?
Why do you make it hard to love you, oh I hate it
Cause if ya really wanna be alone
I will throw my hands up cause baby I tried
Everything with you is so complicated
Oh, why?

Complicated by Rihanna


Adam knew Tommy was trouble the moment he saw him. He knew, yet he couldn't avoid Tommy. He didn't even try. He actually made sure that Tommy would stay in his life. Monte knew pretty damn amazing bass players, but Tommy fit, and Adam wanted him. Oh, how he wanted him.

At first, the want was just curiosity. Later, it became almost like an obsession. But he knew Tommy was trouble, and that was the reason why he didn't even dream of dating him. Of course, Tommy was mostly straight, and hadn't even dated guys before, but Adam could feel the heat. He knew they were on the same wavelength. They were there. It didn't matter that Adam had a dick. It didn't matter because Tommy saw familiarity in him, the kind that only comes from being open to the most fragile sides of yourself.

The reason why Tommy was trouble... Adam had wondered about it often. Tommy's world was centered around time that belonged to himself only. He forgot about everything. It was his, and he didn't need anything else. And this made him a sucky boyfriend. Adam had seen girls cry because Tommy didn't need them, didn't ask anything from them, didn't feel like he wanted to even have a life with them. Not because he didn't care, but because he sank deep into his own world.

But that wasn't the only reason why Tommy Joe Ratliff was trouble. He was one moody fucker. It was all fine and dandy as long as Adam could just ignore the mood shifts and the dark clouds, but there were times when he wanted to drop Tommy on his head, or maybe forget him somewhere along the way. They managed, but it wasn't always easy.

The problem was they had something real between them, and it was always there. Adam wanted to think it was something everyone had, but sometimes he wondered if it was just them, just something only they had, some kind of an otherworldly connection that made him know exactly what Tommy needed, and made Tommy say the right things at the right time, or had them helpless against its pull. Time didn't make any difference. They could be separate for months with just the smallest amount of messaging, and when they met it was like time had stood still while waiting for them to get over their stupid need for separation.

They dated other people. They lived their lives. They had their own obligations and demands.

And then, their relationship sneaked up on them. It began with Tommy on his knees just before the fourteenth gig of the second tour, asking for Adam to fuck his mouth because god, they had waited for too long.

That didn't make it a relationship, but it made them curious, and it changed the boundaries of their friendship. Adam loved Tommy's dirty mouth, and Tommy loved playing dirty. He made Adam wait. He'd come close, whispering soft words in his ear and planting feather-light touches everywhere, knowing perfectly well what it did to Adam. And he'd walk away because later he would get more. Adam would be rougher, more eager, burning hot and anxious. It started as casual sex, convenient and easy, but it didn't stay that way.

Now, they are together, and it's the most complicated thing Adam has ever had in his hands. Tommy doesn't know how to commit. He lets Adam as close as he feels comfortable, and then pulls away. The only time Tommy is fully there is when they're touching, be it sex or mere closeness.

It's maddening to Adam because he keeps his heart open all the time. To have someone close, so close, revealing everything of their little existence, and then tearing that closeness to pieces, pulling away... It hurts. He can't deal. And it's so stupid because he's dealt with it for years. He knew Tommy when they started this thing. He knew what he was getting into. This did not come as a surprise to him. Yet, it cripples him every time. The wall between them is like a mountain or an ocean, and he wonders how it's possible it's there since they've always been so close.

But Tommy keeps his distance, and forces Adam to use questionable methods to get Tommy's attention. He feels ridiculous and desperate and fucking stupid. He knows they are good to each other, yet it sucks. It hurts. And he doesn't know how to stop it from hurting. He knows he's making Tommy miserable, too, because Tommy can see that he's not happy, that he's not getting what he needs... that this is not enough. He can see how not-being-enough hurts Tommy more than anything else ever could.

He doesn't want this, can't have it this way, and one night, just before going to sleep at the back room of the bus, he opens the pandora's box, saying, "We're hurting each other."

He could have said, "I love you, but..." and the effect would have been the same. Tommy pulls away, his naked body closing in, tensing so much Adam just wants to soothe the pain away. He won't.

"I ask too much," Adam says, trying to sound as soft as possible, but all the little things that have hurt him over the months creep into his words. "And you give too little. We're miserable." Everything is layered with pain. He can't help it. He tries to hold it back but can't. "I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to feel bad because of me. I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy, too."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Tommy asks, brown eyes huge, his mouth a miserable line. "Are you...?"

Adam can't look at him in the eyes so he looks at the ceiling instead. "I can't do this anymore. Not like this. I can't."

"What?" It's not even a word, and Adam turns to look at Tommy, forces himself to watch what his words cause. Tommy looks like he might throw up, his face distorted in pain.

"You know I love you, but I don't know how to... I don't know... I can't take it when you pull away so completely. I feel like I have no right for anything of yours. Nothing. We don't plan anything. We don't share anything. I don't feel like you even want to be with me. I feel like I'm convenient. And I know it's not like that, I know you are... you. But that's why, that's why I want you to be with someone who can take it and won't make you feel like a bastard because of who you are."

"But..." Tommy hides his face to the pillow for a second, then breathes out, saying, "You don't even want to try?"

The words are like a punch to his gut. He's never heard Tommy sound like that, so hurt he's nothing but raw feeling. And he caused this. "How would we try? I don't want you to change because of me, and I don't know how to change... It's a fundamental need inside me, the need to be close to someone I love. I can't change it. What can we do?" He really wants to know how they could make it better. He sees no solution, only more agony and sadness.

"You could try trusting me."

That hurts.

"I suck at relationships, but I've never wanted to be in one as much as I do now."

Adam looks at Tommy, trying to control the anger that wants to spread through him. "Why do you pull away? You weren't like this when we were just friends." He doesn't manage to sound quite as neutral as he would like to, but it's not terrible. He could sound so much worse.

"Too many feelings." Tommy hugs the pillow, hiding his face again. "It's too much. I don't know what to do with myself."

"So you pull away?"

Tommy nods.

"If you give me only a fraction of yourself I feel like a slave. It breaks me apart. It makes me weak and powerless. And it makes me miss you. I miss you. I miss what we had. I miss your heart. I miss everything about you. Everything. I want you back. Please."

"Don't want you to go." Tommy reaches out, takes Adam's wrist. "Don't leave."

He can't say anything to that, but he brushes Tommy's hair behind his ear with his free hand, all his love in that one touch. Tommy closes his eyes. "Don't go," he says, then repeats it, moving a little closer. "Please."



A/N: This story hurt me. It will have another part, and it's from Tommy's point of view.

Part Two