This is my little playground for my stories, for my fangirling, for Supernatural and Jared Padalecki. ^_^ Feel free to participate in the craziness.

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This is me saying hello to everyone who happens to stumble onto my journal. Welcome. Have a cup of tea, and maybe sit back and relax. We have lots to talk about.

( Here be all my fics )

Title: The Eye of the Storm
Author: moodwriter
Rating: R
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Genre: Angst, romance, first time
Warnings: Sexual Scenes, language
Length: Chaptered story
Summary: Jensen is the calm center of the storm Jared calls his life.
Disclaimer: I do not know the boys, and if I did I would never reveal anything about them. This is not real.

A/N: This is for MJ. She gave me the song. ^_^ And made me write again.


( The Eye of the Storm )

MY THESIS IS FINISHED!!! YES!!! Guess what I did? I finished it in two days!! I rule! I'm the king of the world!! ROTFL!

But anyway, this means that I'll be finally able to finish my new J2 story. The summary is such: Jensen is the calm center of the storm Jared calls his life. Or something like that. ^_^ It will be written from Jared's point of view.

Anyway, I'm quite happy that the thesis thingy is behind me now. Now I only need to defend it (no, it isn't PhD or anything like that, but I still need to defend it). And correct a few things, but after that: YES, IT'S OVER!!!

Well, at least the thesis part is over. ^_^

I'm so dead, though. I worked the whole weekend. Gah! *is tired*

I've been listening to For Your Entertainment the whole evening. ^_^

I know he's not easy to control. I know he's not proper, nor a boy from next door. He's not easy to take. But this boy can sing. My friend from Texas came to Finland in March when American Idol was still running. She watched the show from the net. I was surfing the net on my own computer, not listening to the show at all... until Mad World started to play. I was shocked beyond belief. Nobody sings like that. It was the only song that pulled me in, the only voice that had any kind of effect.

After that I was hooked. The boy can sing. He has a rare talent.

Every time I read comments in youtube I feel amazed by the stupidity of people. Yes, he's gay. How can that be an issue still? I cannot understand.

Love should never be an issue.


ETA: Official music video <= GORGEOUS!!

I grew up in the shadow of my big brother. He was always bigger, better, stronger, smarter... I guess that is the role of a kid sister no matter where you grow up. I learned to accept that there will always be someone who does it better, who gets more attention, who... Whatever. It wasn't easy, though. It made me feel like I could never outshine anyone. It also made me believe that I'm not very smart.

I've never thought about this, except yesterday, when I started to think about Jensen and Jared, and the fact that Jensen has more fans. They must know this. Jared must know this or he wouldn't joke about it all the time. But what made me think about it is: how it affects him if it does. And if it doesn't, how he does that. He has to have an iron will. I remember how it felt always to be the one who can't quite reach that level, can't quite get there.

In the conventions, fans often ask more questions from Jensen. Jensen's lines are longer... It's in his face all the time. So how does he keep himself from not feeling inadequate. And it's not just the fans. Jensen gets more screen time. Jensen gets braised by Eric and other actors. Jensen this and Jensen that.

So how on earth can Jared Padalecki continue to feel good enough?

I'm thinking that it's because he was raised to believe in himself. And not just believe in himself, but be humble about everything he gets.

This is me guessing, but I'm pretty sure he's quite happy where he is now, happy about not being the center of all attention, happy about being able to learn from Jensen and the other members of their crew, happy about having fans who actually care about him and happy that he can do what he loves without being too famous.

I might be wrong, but I don't think I am. Also, before I knew anything about these two, before I even knew which of them was which I said to my husband: "That taller guy, he's going to get far because he doesn't have such a recognizable face. He won't get stuck to one single role, one single face." Even then I still thought that Jensen was the better actor, but that's how I felt. Now? Now I feel that Jared is as good as Jensen.

And I wish them both great success and happiness.

To me writing is mostly just based on feelings. Something happens that triggers me and I start writing. I'm still struggling with original fiction, but fan fiction works for me because I have no pressure doing it. I only enjoy writing.

I got my next idea for a story just yesterday. I heard Lifehouse's Storm and it broke me. Every time something touches me there's something I want to share about it. And this was one of those moments. The song struck me like a lightning.

I'm not really a music fan. I've never been. I don't understand music, and I can go on for ages without listening to any songs. I just don't miss music. But there are times when music speaks to my writer's soul, catches something in me and forces me to look at something... and then I write.

And how do I make this idea into words? I have no idea. It's not an idea, really. It's a feeling. It's something I know Jared is feeling, and I'm going to write that down. And it's going to be angsty but not sad.

To be honest, I don't know how I write. Especially since I'm not using my own language. I'm writing with words that are foreign to me. Yet, every time I start writing, it feels like home. So maybe I'm doing something right.

Anyway, I'm writing again.


ETA: I just need to add that I did not listen to Storm as a religious song. It might be, but to me it was something else. ^_^

Seriously, I’m probably one of the worst persons to give feedback. I rarely leave any comments even if I love something. To get a review out of me one has to write something that stops me enough to do it.

So whenever I receive feedback I’m flabbergasted. Seriously? Someone actually left a review?

I’ve been in the Harry Potter fandom for five years, and I’ve reviewed more stories than I can remember. Hundreds, maybe even thousands. People have asked me to review; I’ve offered to review; I’ve felt so mesmerized by something that I’ve just had to leave a review. So I think it kind of burned me out. Now when I only read for fun, when I read for just entertainment… I rarely leave reviews.

This kind of bothers me because I know how wonderful it is to receive a comment, no matter how small it is. I think I’m going to start doing it again, leaving a review every time I read something.

I’ve met two of my best friends through reviewing. ^_^ That’s something.

This is the kind of reviews I used to left:

( Review )

It’s for this story: Fallen Kings (Remus/Sirius, rated PG-13) and the author is melihobbit, one of the best writers out there.

So, from now on, I’ll leave a comment whenever I read something. I’m still not going to review when asked to, or read either, but I’m going to review every time I find something interesting to read. That’s a promise.

It's time to rec some stories. ^_^

Title: And this morning we had pancakes
Author: wanttobeatree
Rating: PG
Why: It's one of those beautiful quiet stories, those that feel real and wonderful and good. These kind of stories touch my heart in that special way, make me happy and leave me smiling. Lovely.

Title: Spooning is a gateway drug
Author: beckaandzac
Rating: NC-17
Why: Jared is absolutely adorable in this story. They sleep together before sleeping together. It's just lovely, funny, cute... all those good things. And sexy too.

Title: Waiting to be finally caught (the between the bars remix)
Author: arlad
Rating: PG-13
Why: I'm not sure if I have a thing that I like, but if I do, it's this strong voice, this quiet voice, this feel of life, this imperfection and... just how people feel real in stories. This voice that somehow speaks to parts in me that are hidden from the world. This is one of those. That's why.

Title: Bedtime Stories
Author: maboheme
Rating: NC-17
Why: It's so beautiful it almost made me cry.

That's it for now. ^_^

My husband does not understand why I want to spend so much money on a convention. I don't think he's ever even heard of conventions before. I hadn't. As I've said before, I've never been a fan. I've never loved any boy bands, actors, singers... You name it. Just never. The reason is probably that I'm not that easily impressed by people in this industry. I just don't see them as anything more than people.

So Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are just people to me. I can't really look up to people just because they are my bosses, or the presidents of my country or CEOs of some big company or actors or whatnot. I just don't have that kind of a system built into me. I don't care. But if the person is worthy of my respect he or she will get it. Actually if I meet someone I automatically respect him or her. I just do. But I don't... admire people. I just don't care about status at all.

So for me to be a fan means that I have to see something real because that's the only thing I'm interested in. I don't care at all that Jared is a Hollywood actor. I don't care if he's a-list or c-list. I don't care. I don't care if he's freaking tall and handsome. Yeah, he is. Gorgeous. Yay! Even better. What do I care about?

His smile. God, this boy is honest to the bone. Just gah! He shows too much of himself and sometimes I fear that he will get hurt badly because of it. But yeah, he's a big boy and can take care of himself so I got over that worry as well. The smile, and the way he carries himself. How open he is. So that's why. This person is real.

And since I'm never going to meet him in real life, I'm going to meet him in a convention. ^_^ And I truly hope that I can give this one thing to him, this thing I'm good at: telling other people what's so great about them.

But anyway, my husband doesn't understand conventions. And then I showed him a clip of the boys talking together, and he laughed, twice at least. To make him laugh, is not easy. I do that all the time because I'm goofy and because he loves me, but others... to make him laugh out loud, does not happen often. And I think he kind of thought it was embarrassing. ^_^ But he did laugh out loud because Jared is funny and because they play each other so well. It works. So maybe he can see now why I want to go although he said, "I don't have to understand this. I only need to accept it." ^_^

Okay, it became a bit more real now. I just bought my Helsinki - Frankfurt - Dallas - London - Helsinki tickets!!! I cannot believe this. I'm going to the LA Salute to Supernatural convention in 2010. And if you're wondering why I'm flying to Dallas and not Los Angeles? My friend is from Texas, and we'll visit Dallas and Amarillo first before going to LA. ^_^

Oh my god, I'm going to meet Jared and Jensen and Jim and Misha!!!!! Yay! But Jared! I'm so going to just look at him and see for real what an adorable person he is.

I've never been anyone's fan before. And it took me quite a while, considering that I was 32 when it happened. ^_^ But there's just something very special about this man. I adore him.

Anyway, squeeee!!! ^_^ This is my first trip to the States. Yay!

I learned a valuable lesson today.

And I'm actually going to edit this and say it better. I messed up. I said some things that actually could and probably did hurt some people. And the worst thing that can happen to me is hurting other people. I never want to do that. I'd rather get hurt myself than let myself hurt anyone else.

I also feel kind of stupid because I would like to be someone's friend, but I can't ask. ^_^

I don't think I've ever felt as stupid as I felt today. The thing is, I care. A lot. About people, about respect, about taking care of others, about acceptance and not making assumptions.

And I still manage to be a bigot. That's just unbelievable.

I write about homosexual relationships and I breech about equality. I was so proud of our country when they accepted gay marriage (well almost: registered partners, 2002). I want to write books where homosexual relationships are in the exact same role as heterosexual relationships. I want to write stories where sexual orientation has no importance. I want to write the world a bit better place. And then, I myself manage to sound like the biggest bigot of them all. I cannot believe how stupid I can get when my brain isn't working, I haven't slept at all, and have been sick for a week.

I had this idiotic stereotypical idea that masculine guys don't use endearments. I mean gay guys. >_< Seriously. How can I even have an idea like that in my head? I have no idea.

I don't like endearments at all. I've never liked them. I would go crazy if my husband called me kitten or bunny or babe or some of the Finnish versions of those words. I can take dear and darling. Maybe. But not anything else. I hate them.

But to assume that gay guys don't use them? That only "flamboyant" guys would. Gargh!! Seriously. I'm made of all kinds of stupid!!!!

So, from now on, I'm not going to assume anything. I will listen and learn.


But there is one thing that speaks in my defense. It's sometimes very difficult to write guys when you're a girl. You don't want to make them sound like girls. But I'm a girl. So I assume that masculine (that's a stupid word and doesn't mean any harm here, sorry, I just can't explain it in any other way) guys don't use endearments with each other.

And one more thing, I only read and write First Time. They don't yet have that established relationship and its dynamics.

But anyway, I sounded like a complete idiot, and someone told me that I sound like a complete idiot and I should perhaps try to think about this because it isn't so. Yeah, someone whom I respect a lot. That person did something to me. And I like it. Even though it's very embarrassing as well. It's not nice to learn that you can be very very very stupid. >_< Argh!


Oh, and feel free to tell me that I'm stupid. ^_^ I kind of deserve it.

I just got a review where the person said that The Way We Are reads more like a threesome than a Jared/Jensen story, and she was almost expecting it to end with a threesome. This really boggled my mind because I think it was very clear all through the story that although Jensen loves Danneel, he doesn't love her the way you love your spouse, not that much.

And now I'm kind of wondering how other people see love. Because I can love many people at the same time. I've even been in love with several people at the same time, and I always see people who I could love just like I love my husband. But the thing is, when I love that one person, I love that person completely, with my whole being. That person owns me completely. But I'm my own person, of course, and need a lot of space and live quite a satisfying life just by myself, too.

I have a hard time explaining this because I'm not sure if there are actual words for it.

If you read my stories you should be able to see how I love. And I don't think that loving someone, makes you love less anyone else. So if Jensen and Jared love Danneel, it doesn't mean that they love her-love her and it doesn't mean that the love between them is less strong because they also love her.

Does this make any sense? Probably not. ^_^ It's late. I should be asleep, but this actually started to bother me. I never intended it to be a threesome fic. Even the body shot scene should be read as Jared/Jensen because it is. They just don't hate her. ^_^ If you know what I mean.

LOL.

Now I'm talking meta. ^_^

Title: Restrained
Author: moodwriter/CrushOnYou
Genres: PWP, I guess ^_^
Rating: R
Warnings: Sexual scenes, threesome
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Length: 1900 words
Other characters: Danneel Harris
Summary: When he kissed Jensen he felt powerful, the one in control, deciding the pace and the amount of pressure. He coaxed that look out of Jensen. He forced Jensen to go out for a smoke because he’s just that good. This, now, he’s in trouble. The missing body shot scene from The Way We Are. You don't have to read that one to understand this, but without it this is just PWP.
Disclaimer: The boys are real. This is not. I mean no harm.


( Restrained )

I'm going to write an open letter to Eric Kripke & co (which nobody will read of course, but I'll write it anyway), but before that I want to say this:

I think this show is amazing. I don't think I've ever watched a show that has so few weak episodes. I didn't like Bugs or Route 666 and some episodes on third and fourth season were not so good, but mostly, this show is awesome.

Buffy had so many weak episodes and it was still good. Actually I think the whole fourth season was very weak. Battlestar Galactica is one of the best shows I've ever seen and holds its ground until the end, but even it had more bad episodes than Supernatural.

I have absolutely no idea why Supernatural fans complain so much. Or stop watching the show if some of the episodes are *gasp* too funny!! ^_^ Seriously. It's a TV show. It can't be perfect, but it's entertaining as hell.

The show has evolved. It gets better every season, and the writers can laugh at themselves. I have no idea why the fans can't laugh at themselves. To me it's very easy to see that Becky isn't what they think of ALL fans. They love their fans because fans keep them doing what they love. ^_^ But they make fun of the fans, just like they make fun of the show and its writers. And I can appreciate that. I've always loved meta conversations, meta anything actually. ^_^ If someone can write meta into their own story... that's just unbelievable and great and wonderful.

Yeah, so sometimes I wonder if people actually get Supernatural.

There's just something about this show that attracts wank. I have no idea what. Poor Eric Kripke. I hope we'll get a sixth season, and he'll get the best idea ever and rocks TV history! Gargh!!

Title: Domestic Bliss
Rating: PG
Genre: Uhhuh, life?
Length: One-shot, 900 words
Summary: Jared and Jensen have a picnic on the living room floor.
Disclaimer: I decided not to write J2 anymore and then this came to me. Nothing like this has ever happened, as you all know. Just pure fiction.


A/N: I'm sick at home, woke up at 4 am because my husband was coughing so much, made pancakes for him because it's his birthday, cleaned a bit, and now... now I'm writing a drabble (- or something that was supposed to be a drabble). Here, now, maybe in five minutes. We shall see.


( Domestic Bliss )

Title: The Way We Are
Author: moodwriter/CrushOnYou
Genres: Romance, angst, first time
Rating: Light NC-17
Warnings: Sexual scenes, tiny spoilers until the episode 5:08
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Length: 16 800 words
Other characters: Danneel Harris
Summary: It starts like any other season, or does it? “This is it.” Jared breaks the silence. “I’m not seeing anyone until Supernatural is over.”
Disclaimer: I hope they don't mind that we like to play. They are just characters to me, and I'm sure nothing like this has ever happened.


( Chapter Six )

Seriously, I freaking hate the spam posts these freaking Russian LJ spammers spam!!!!!! Stop it! It's just frustrating and annoying to delete the comments and ban the users!!! ARGH!!! We never had this problem when LJ wasn't Russian owned! Now all the freaking time!!!! Why?

Can I do something to stop this? They have accounts and I want people to be able to comment on my stories. What can I do? Nothing I tell you.

Blargh!!!


EDIT: Viddu, oikeesti, mulla menee hermo näihin saatanan spambotteihin!!!! ARGH!!!!

Title: The Way We Are
Author: moodwriter/CrushOnYou
Genres: Romance, angst, first time
Rating: R
Warnings: Sexual scenes, tiny spoilers until the episode 5:08
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Length: Chaptered story
Other characters: Danneel Harris
Summary: It starts like any other season, or does it? “This is it.” Jared breaks the silence. “I’m not seeing anyone until Supernatural is over.”
Disclaimer: I hope they don't mind that we like to play. They are just characters to me, and I'm sure nothing like this has ever happened.


( Chapter Five )

Title: The Way We Are
Author: moodwriter/CrushOnYou
Genres: Romance, angst, first time
Rating: R
Warnings: Sexual scenes, tiny spoiler for episode 5:06
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Length: Chaptered story
Other characters: Danneel Harris
Summary: It starts like any other season, or does it? “This is it.” Jared breaks the silence. “I’m not seeing anyone until Supernatural is over.”
Disclaimer: I hope they don't mind that we like to play. They are just characters to me, and I'm sure nothing like this has ever happened.


( Chapter Four )

The thing is, I’m very happy for them and I believe Jensen would never be with someone who wasn’t a nice person. That’s why I’ve never believed in any of the things that the fandom has said about Danneel. I’ve seen videos about her. I’ve seen her act. I’ve seen pictures of her. I’ve read stories about her. I don’t know her. I don’t know Jensen or Jared either. But I do know that these boys, they are the real deal. And that’s why I’m very happy for them. I hope both of them will get the family they’ve always dreamed of.

That said, I’ve always thought that they are just friends although I write stories about them. ^_^ But this new development changes things a little. I can’t write about married people. I just can’t. So The Way We Are will be my last fic about J2.

Unless something crazy happens and I feel like writing something more. Then I’ll write. But right now, I can’t even imagine myself breaking them up, not now that they are getting married, not even in a story that has nothing to do with their real lives. I just can’t.

But yeah, I’m happy. I hope Jared is happy, too. Maybe they’ll live close by all their lives, raising their families together. ^_^ Awww… that’s a nice thought. ^_^